People Who Draw Me In

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The most important characteristic that my friends share is that they can carry on good conversations with me. The subjects of these conversations isn't as important as that we both find them interesting. For example, recent conversations I've had have included a discussion of the appropriateness of socks and other footwears in various social and professional settings, numismatics and coin quality rating schemes, the thirteenth-century roots of literacy in Western Civilization, Korean burial and memorial customs, a comparison of features of various cellular phone plans. I've enjoyed each conversation for different reasons.

However, I find it difficult to consider people with whom I exchange pleasantries and chit chat as more than acquaintances.

I like pleasant people. Depressed people concern me. I acknowledge and accept that my friends have unpleasant things happen and go through tough times — that's fine. It's people who dwell on their problems and announce them to other people as a way of making conversation that worry me. I have met several very pleasant people who've needed to talk to anyone and have been a sympathetic ear. That's fine; that's different somehow. It's continued self-centeredness in the midst of living that feels weird.

A college quadmate suffered from depression. He was a nice guy and we shared a lot of interests. However, sometimes it was very difficult to talk to him because he seemed to want to sulk and argue that I shouldn't spend time with him. I still tend to be the sort of person who tries to find rational responses to unpleasant feelings (even in myself), so I argued with him about that occasionally. Now I know that it doesn't work.

Kindhearted people really draw me in. I don't have a lot of spare compassion, especially for people I don't know. People who do amaze me. I want to be around that sometimes, to see it in action and to learn from it. It feels like a sort of wholehearted goodness; it's very attractive.

I have a lot of introvert tendencies, often preferring to stay home than to go out. I really enjoy having friends and family over at my house. In practice, this means that my friends often congregate here, usually on the weekends, with no specific plan in mind. Sometimes we do talk things over in advance, if we need to meet somewhere else or if someone else has planned something more elaborate, such as a specific party. I really like the ability to stick to a similar format yet be flexible about the details. This has characterized many of my most valuable relationships since college.

My close friends are all similar in situation. We're all college graduates starting to settle down — finding and advancing in our careers, buying houses, and marrying (or at least considering the idea). This makes it difficult for me to identify with people who've not seriously considered a career or who haven't really pursued secondary education. It's not impossible, but I look at the world differently because of those experiences and the experiences of my friends is very similar. It seems as if lacking those commonalities, I'd have little to talk about with other people.

It's important that my friends have good senses of humor. I pride myself on my wit, though it tends to the obscure sometimes. I like to play with words and I appreciate people who appreciate the same in me. It feels very awkward to bring up an idea ridiculous and have people take it seriously because they expect that I take it seriously. Alternately, you could say that I deliberately say provocative things sometimes to challenge the idea of offensiveness. (That sounds much worse than it actually is.) The goal of good satire is to exaggerate ridiculous ideas past the point of ridiculousness to find their actual truths or falsehoods. People who understand that are worth having around.

As well, I like the idea of taking life casually at times. There's a time and a place to be formal and we can handle that but there's also a time and a place to be unpretentious. I enjoy spending time with people who can be themselves and who allow me to be myself. Always chasing the most acclaimed new show or trendiest restaurant leaves me hollow. I like nice things too, but I'm not an elaborate or extravagant person. I can find joy in simpler situations just as easily.

It's nice to have friends who understand my work and my goals when I talk about them, but I also appreciate people who have an interest in the things that I find important if only because I find them important. It's enjoyable to learn new things; I've had discussions about topics I'd have cared nothing about if I hadn't met the right people — fatal fashions, the etymology and word forms of languages from sub-Sarahan Africa, pig farming in the Philippines, and the social dynamics of emergency rooms. Having a passion for your work or hobby and being able to explain it in a passionate way counts for a lot.

Other times, I like quiet people who can listen without having to say anything. My friends and I occasionally sit around each reading or working quietly. Sometimes just being physically proximate is sufficient. Of course, this often happens while we're waiting for a scheduled even to start, but it's nice not to find prolonged silences uncomfortable.

I do like the idea of having people in my life who challenge me. Some of my closest friends pull me back with a short rein when I start to say or do stupid things. Sometimes they let me continue and suffer the consequences, but they know me well enough to know that I do appreciate course corrections. Even more, I like the idea of spending time with people who have very different interests. It's far too easy for me to continue on as I am without having to change or grow very much. Instead, I'd like to take some difficult new paths on occasion, if I can find people I trust to guide me.