Questions I Haven't Answered

---

I have a lot of questions. Many of them have stuck around for years and years. Sometimes it seems that I have an irrational belief that more knowledge and more understanding will lead to more happiness. I know that's not true, that wisdom always comes with some sadness, but it doesn't stop me from asking questions over and over.

The primary question in my mind is "How do I know the right thing?" When I make a big decision, how do I know that I made the right choice? Is there a right choice? Did I choose well? Will I regret my decision later?

It's difficult not to second-guess myself, especially in cases when there are multiple equally good choices, but also when the big choice was between action and inaction. I believe that sometimes the right choice is not to choose (knowing that that's a choice in itself). How do you know in advance that that's the right choice though?

Another question is "How do I deal with people?" If I have a disagreement with someone, is it worth mentioning? Should I let it go? If I need to talk about it, how can I do that while respecting the other person and seeking a resolution without making things worse?

It took me a long time to realize that being honest doesn't mean saying absolutely everything that's on my mind. There's tact to remember, of course, as well as appropriateness. It will take me even longer to change my actions to recognize that not only do other people think differently from me in many circumstances, but that's really okay. That is, if my roommate chooses to eat dessert before the meal, it doesn't affect me. It's weird and even shameful to admit that it bothers me, but I think it's the difference from what I would do that feels awkward.

Elevating personal preference and upbringing to a moral imperative is silly at best.

One persistent and annoying question is "When will my life begin?" It seems like a ridiculous question to ask, but it summarizes a weird unsettling feeling I've had for the past several years. Some nights, I'll sit in my room and realize that I feel as if I'm waiting for something — something I don't know and can't explain — to happen.

It's worse when I compare myself to other people. For example, during my stint as a freelancer, my brother was still at his first real job after college, a professional position with a stable, large company. I felt jealous that I hadn't really started on a career.

Now I do have a career, though, and a house, and it seems like I should take the next step somewhere and somehow. How do I know what that is? Where do I start? Is it wrong to feel mostly satisfied with my life as it is? Would it be giving up to stay where I am and keep doing what I do for a while?

What does the question mean, anyway? What do I really consider "my life"? Do I feel a sense of entitlement to have a nice house, a high salary, beautiful furniture, someone to handle my chores, no worries about bills, and enough free time to do what I feel like doing? Yes, I do, and it bothers me.

I'm starting to believe that life is what happens in the little things, not just the big things. I'm no less alive when I'm cleaning my bathroom than when I hold the first copy of a new book. The sense of satisfaction is smaller for the cleaning, but I can feel it every week or two, not twice a year.

Along those lines, on my loneliest days I ask "Why am I still single?" Several of my friends ask me the same question. Am I too picky? Am I still shy? Have I driven away my last best chance to find the right woman? Have I given up? Am I unattractive physically, emotionally, or interpersonally?

I don't believe that there's one Right person for every other person; I believe that any two people who really love each other and who really want to make a relationship work can make it work.

I also am starting to believe that there's no Perfect person for me. I have a list of ideas and characteristics that I want and don't want in a partner, but that list has changed with time. It's still changing. I like to think that I'm capable of throwing out ideas that don't really matter if the right person comes along.

How do I recognize that person though? Is it the right time? Should I stay single for the rest of my life? Should I stay single for now? I believe that being alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonely and that being with the wrong person is worse than being alone. I also believe that until I'm comfortable being alone, I won't be comfortable being with another person.

Where do I go and what do I do to meet that person? Do I change my hobbies and habits? Do I become someone else? Is that wise? Should I continue being who I am, the person that I'm comfortable being, and hope that the right person will fit into those patterns?

I think I want to find someone who's different from me, a person who can challenge me and introduce me to new ideas and hobbies and habits. It's easy to find a niche and never question whether it's good or bad. Maybe exploring new things sooner will help. Maybe not.

The biggest question in my mind is "What next?" How do I allocate my time? What is the next project I should take on? What do I really want out of life and how do I make that possible? There are so many good ideas that I could do and so many bad habits I could break and good habits I could adopt, how do I choose where to start?

Considering all of these questions, it's easy to answer "Why do I sleep so restlessly?"